"I Feel to Heal" color therapy page by Srimati from "My Moon Mood Journal"
While healing trauma, I had to accept pain as a reality. That I'd be moving through pain, that my body would be in pain throughout it, even while I was fighting for my family's unity and healing together. I refused to let this pain get in the way of my healing or me loving and showing up for my family.
In order to heal my trauma and my body, I had to take drastic action and remove my birth family from my life completely. I walked away from my entire birth and extended family. I have since not made contact with any of them.
During the time following this, I needed to accept that a legacy of pain, addiction, illness, fear, and trauma was hard-wired into me and work to unwire it from myself. I had to accept that it would be painful. And throughout it all, I needed to make the choices my parents couldn't make for me. I needed to choose life; to live despite the excruciating pain in my body, mind, and soul. I needed to show up as a wife and as a mother and take care of my family and myself. I needed to become emotionally vulnerable and willing to feel what I repressed and witness myself in the middle of it. I needed to be the person I needed all along.
I needed to accept that it wasn't fair; I didn't get a functional family. I didn't get a safe, nurturing upbringing. I wasn't allowed to safely individuate as an adult. I was taken advantage of over and over. I was abused for a very long time. I was surrounded by addiction and taught to give up on life. It was painful beyond belief to break up with my birth family and there are still days where I miss them and even the dysfunction that came with them.
Despite it not being fair, despite what I lost, I needed to choose a different legacy and maintain that distance. I needed to choose life. And I needed to choose to be the parent my mother never was. Whenever I made that choice, I was faced with grief. The grief was related to the fact that I never had this love growing up. My parents did not play with me. They did not tend to me. They did not teach me any kind of self-care. They did not nurture or support me. They did not emotionally support me. They criticized me and neglected me. They expected me to be perfect so I could meet their unmet needs. They did not take me to the dentist or provide support services for me. They let our house turn into an unsafe place with flea infestations and animal feces/urine-soaked carpets, animal hoarding, backed-up septic tank, and other unspeakable horrors.
I had to somatically witness myself with every new choice. There were layers upon layers of grief and pain. Bitterness and anger. Each time I made a good choice, it was like peeling back a layer of rotting, corrupted flesh.
It was painful for my body and my emotions. I was suffering terribly with fibromyalgia and could barely sleep. I was exhausted and in so much body pain, but despite it all, there was a wonderful feeling for me in the fact that I was able to prove to myself that despite being in excruciating pain with often little sleep, I could show up for life sober. I could be there for my daughter. I could become a better wife to my husband and love him without pain interfering. I could choose self-care.
I chose not the path of addiction. And I fought tooth and nail for my healing and family unity. I walked what felt like an impossible path.
It was worth it.
But I had to accept that pain was going to be a part of the healing process as I rewired my body for safety, self-care, wellness, and healthy relating.
It is this way because when you have never known love, love becomes painful to receive. You must teach yourself to receive the pleasure of love without it being married to pain and corruption, and it takes time to make that transformation.
If you are walking through healing trauma, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Showing up for yourself and disconnecting from the malevolent corruption is painful, but as you begin to rewire yourself, everything will become easier and life will be more beautiful than you could have ever imagined. You will heal. Believe it is possible and take action for yourself every day to support your goodness. Unmarry from the corruption, trauma bonds, and self-destruction and choose life. Don't give up!
If you need more support on how to move through the pain and despite it, I recommend reading up on my articles on somatic experiencing and resiliency, as these go into detail about the how.