Communication in Male/Female Relationships


"Essence of Creation" Inked Art from the Coloring Book "Cosmic Wonders" by Srimati


It's much easier for a woman to make a man feel loved than a man a woman. This is why it so important for women to communicate their needs to a man.


In the symbiotic matriarchy/patriarchy I model, I teach that women lead men by communicating to them their needs, wants, and desires, including guiding men on the relationship dynamic. This is female leadership and it is primarily based in emotion and the interconnection of everything. Male leadership is very different than female leadership. It is based on what do I need to do right now? For men, it's about providing and building (instructed labor) vs transforming.


Men tend to live in the moment, whereas women are strung up in a conglomerate network of wires that are all communicating with one another. We are seeing the past, present, and future simultaneously while men are simply existing in the here and now, compartmentalized in their experience of life. Men are therefore most often focused on the immediate present need and think in terms of "what is before me". If they goal set and work toward a goal, their mission is always simply about "what is before me today". It's simple too. Men aren't emotionalizing their thoughts and actions the way women are.


Women, when faced with stressful stimuli, will activate the center of their brain that governs emotion and speech. They immediately respond with a need to process and talk about their feelings and how it is all interconnected. Their bodies will also produce cortisol along with oxytocin, the bonding hormone. In stress, women experience a phenomenon called "tend and befriend".


Men are different. They respond to stressful stimuli with action. They do not produce heightened amounts of oxytocin. They have no need to bond or share the way women do. They are not ruminating or thinking about their emotions. They just take action. Importantly, however, he will emotionally shut down if he feels the task before him too impossible. It will kill his drive if he feels unsuccessful or that his task will fail.


When women communicate with men through the language of interconnected emotional processing, it makes it difficult for him to understand her. He does not think in such a way and getting wrapped up in a woman's negative emotions and thought process is overwhelming for him. Not because he is cold-hearted, but because he is not wired to do so. He is wired to take action and responds to reward rather than punishment. He will not want to do something he believes will cause him pain. He wants to be the superhero that fights and wins the battle.


So when a woman comes to a man wanting him to change something but is wrapped up in the emotional experience of it, a man does not respond positively to such a thing. Rather it will quite literally suck the life from him. It's draining for him because his brain is not wired for it and the negative emotions kill his drive to take action.


When a woman communicates to a man, it will fare much better for her if she makes requests without an emotional backstory. Yes, she may want to be witnessed by him, but she should not request he make changes while simultaneously asking for his witnessing.


Rather, she should simply communicate to him what she wants with rewarding language.


Do you want him to spend more time with you? In the moment, ask for it in a way that communicates the benefit.


Whatever it is you want, he will respond usually by giving it to you, if it is possible, especially when you remove your emotional processing and backstory from the request. Importantly, this is not about manipulating him to get what you want, rather it is about respecting him and asking from a space of honoring him and his sovereignty. He has the right to say no.


I'm not saying that emotional processing is wrong. Most women emotionally process and talk about their feelings by nature. It's hard-wired into them and has many benefits. Men are not so much like this. It's not that men are right and women are wrong, it's simply about translating what you feel into a language he can work with. Because you are so much more complex than him and have many more emotional needs than he does, you are the one responsible for communicating the dynamic you wish to have with him.


When you come to him with loads and loads of emotion, he does not know how to receive that. It's like a low volt plug taking in a high volt device. He does not know how to process it the way you do and will short out.


Give him space and make a request. Show him an appreciation for his accomplishing it, even ahead of time in a way that exudes your attraction to him as a man. This is a positive feeling affirmation and a man understands this language, he is motivated by reward. When a man experiences negative emotion, he is thinking about and focused on the action to resolve it, rather than the emotion itself.


Example


Don't say this:


We never cuddle. I am so hurt by that, do you even like or care about me? Do you even want to be close to me? I feel like you don't care about my needs...etc. etc.


Do this instead:


I would be so happy and so grateful if you would cuddle with me for a few hours. It makes me feel so special and fulfilled to spend time physically touching outside of sex.


After cuddle time, express gratitude:


Thank you so much for spending time with me. Nothing makes me happier than connecting with you like this.


This second example sets him up for success, whereas the first example is focused on him having already failed you. Which interaction do you think is going to be more conducive to the relationship and to you receiving your needs?


If you believe in a biblical marriage of female submission, this is what true submission is. It is not a punishment for women or making the woman's needs less than and elevating the man's experience above her own. It is also not about male totalitarian leadership. It is actually focused and centered on her as the one being cherished and tended to and her guiding her partner with tenderness, grace, and humility as a feminine woman. Her tender satisfaction satisfies him, but in order to get there, she needs to communicate in such a way that he feels capable of achieving it; that he is a superman to her, and feels that he is indeed communicating with a woman that is his romantic partner, not his mother barking orders, another man, or an emotionally unstable woman whom he has no capability to help, but rather feels seen as her enemy.


Ultimately women are much more complicated than men. They are processing much more information that is most often focused on their emotional experience. Women tend to also be more negative than men and experience stressors differently; they are more susceptible to trauma and negative physical effects of stress BECAUSE they are focused on their emotional experience, which is tied to all of their physiological responses and nervous system, where hard wiring occurs. This is one of the reasons my blig focuses so much on the nervous system health and resiliency and why my journals are all about getting women into their bodies and communing with a more wholesome emotional experience.


A woman by and large is more sensitive to stress and hormonal disruption. Her motivation is about emotional processing, communicating her feelings, and being witnessed. Her motivation is tending to the emotional well being if others (bonding).


A man's motivation is about taking action to resolve the feeling without focusing on the feeling, but what needs to be done. If he is overwhelmed with emotions and has no understanding of the action he needs to take, he will shut down. His motivation is tending to everyone's physical/survival needs and the satisfaction of his partner. His motivation is to be seen as a hero.


Sensitive, feminine women are hard-wired to be emotionally responsive and concerned about emotional needs. They tend to be more empathetic and desiring of everyone to have their needs met emotionally, whereas men are focused on physical needs. The symbiosis of these two together is powerful, but it can make for a rocky collaboration and partnership if the couple does not understand the art and nuance of male/female cooperation. It will be up to the woman to communicate and guide the man to a positive emotional dynamic because this is her expertise as the matriarchy (when she is existing in wholeness with it). Her complicated emotional network is not understood by him and so she needs to guide him into her experience in a safe and grounded way that makes sense to him, especially if he is unconscious around his emotions.


It does a woman very good to learn how to master this. If she can master communicating a positive emotional dynamic with her partner, she will be happy and her partner will feel respected, appreciated, and heroic. He will in turn cherish and love her deeply. This is not about the woman being objectified or shouldering the emotional labor. It's actually about her taking personal responsibility for her role and leadership in the relationship by coming to understand her emotional needs, ending codependency, and doing the inner work to understand where distortions exist in her relationship dynamics and communication. This is first and foremost about her own personal healing and alignment with her wholesome Self. As she becomes aware of herself, her feelings, her unmet needs, where she is existing in codependency and mothering her partner, and her communication, she can begin to make transformation and experience more positive and constructive conversation with her partner.


Male leadership is about guiding the woman into acceptance, presence, and stillness, where she can be more in the moment with him physically and less concerned about her to-do list. This pulls her out of her emotional cycling and grounds her in the moment. If she can surrender to this Masculine potency, she and her partner can coexist more peacefully.


Ultimately, men and women in union together result in a powerful partnership and collaboration, but it is up to the woman to transform what has been provided by the man. She must learn to take what is and alchemize it in such a way that her male partner is invited into the experience in a constructive way.

© 2020 by Srimati Arya Moon

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