"Lost Blaze" Abstract Art by Srimati
I encourage others to write their shadowy, angsty feelings into poetry. It's a therapeutic practice that has been foundational in helping to process my childhood and connected adult trauma.
In very real ways I am still processing, witnessing, and integrating what happened to me in my life as my situation with my dysfunctional birth family went on well into last year. This is because repressed feelings inevitably need to come up to be witnessed and when there is a backlog of them, it can take time for them to make themselves known as we learn to set them free from their cage and stop repressing/oppressing ourselves and our unmet needs. This leads to self-realization and allows us to see ourselves and our bottled up feelings.
These feelings are at the root of our shadowy behaviors, which is not the only reason to witness them, but it is helpful in understanding how to address the root cause of our patterns and to do so with candor and honesty.
Understand that while those feelings, which have a personality all their own, might feel a certain way, it doesn't mean that one: it is true, and two: it is all there is to us, even if our feelings are telling us it is. But none the less, we still can safely witness, validate, and feel them, and actually that is why we can, because we have become safe, compassionate, and stabilizing witnesses TO them.
I'm not afraid to hear what my feelings whisper to me or to acknowledge the persona contained within them. It was shown to me in a dream that all of my feelings are like many, many personalities inside of me and, to the me who is conscious, they want my attention, witnessing, acceptance, and even counseling and ministering. They want to be held precious. Seen, validated, and even corrected when they are READY for that. This has been foundational for me to healing the bipolar-depression, anxiety, and nervous system dysfunction that was a result of prolonged trauma.
Writing this type of poetry is honoring my feelings, and when I go back over and read my poems, I don't feel bad or negative. Instead, I feel deep feelings of contentment and gratitude to myself. I feel like I can truly breathe because it was finally said and finally seen by me. I wasn't pretending, denying, or hiding and I let go of all of the outer pressure and voices from other healers and transformation coaches that were telling me to change my story altogether.
Many people think that healing is just moving on with life and leaving those things behind/rewriting them, but my experience has been the opposite. It's actually holding yourself and all of those feelings precious and tending to them so they are not left behind and abandoned. This is how integration occurs. What was left behind in the darkness of the self is brought forward into the light and welcomed home. If you want to really witness yourself and know yourself truly, this is important. It's like peeling down layer by layer all that was pushed aside and then fully feeling, seeing, witnessing, and HONORING those feelings and the events they are connected to. Especially so if there was trauma or soul loss associated with them. Then, it's about protecting what was communicated so we are not retraumatizing those precious aspects.
If you have Shamanic work completed, this type of understanding is communicated to you and energetically patterned into you so you can finally heal. The spirit guides show you the sacredness of feelings and encourage you to express them. In one journey completed on my husband, Daniel, my spirit guide, Isis, had him blow his nose and many words came out and appeared onto a papyrus paper scroll that rolled down into infinity. He was told that in order to embody the healing on his nose, he needed to write his feelings and this would be the key to his future transformation.
Writing poetry is such a profound way to witness what feelings have to say because each word is written with such intention and holds within it the very core/essence of what these feelings felt. My feelings have communicated that doing such writing honors them deeply.
The poetry I write around my processing, feeling, and witnessing is dark, angsty, moody. If someone were to read these poems, they would probably be concerned for me. And honestly, that is the point! We are told to appear to the world as so one dimensional. Just be good and put on a nice face. Only allow in positive emotions. Pretend everything is okay and that you are normal. Only express one side of yourself. Be the best version of yourself.
This toxic culture we have built up around fakeness and appearing to be something we aren't is repressing our wild selves and feeling and expressing fluidly, rawly, deeply, and *innocently* is the path to learning how to hold the bliss that comes with a deepening Bhakti practice. Being expressive and creative with ourselves leads to a more self-expressive and fluid state and can even help our actual bodies move better as what was felt was finally acknowledged, expressed, and released. This brings the body into deeper states of surrender and flexibility, and ultimately, it brings us into greater union with ourselves.
Below I have given an example of a piece of poetry of mine:
All that's inside of me
Is anger and rage.
And an emptiness.
Like a singularity;
Sucking the light from me.
That life is so hard
To feel so much emotion all the time and all at once.
The moment I realize just how much
This world has taken from me,
And that only I can restore it.
It's like I'm up against a demon army
And I'm a one-woman defense force;
My limbs are covered in battle scars and zombie bites
And I'm starting to turn.
But inside of me is such a resistance
Trying her best to keep up with persistence.
To send those demons flying,
And telling the zombie virus
To thoroughly fuck off.
But is she up against too much?
My mother tried to kill herself
In more ways than one.
And it's woven into me!
That I see in the eyes of my daughter.
And I'm just so angry!
For the legacy handed down to me!
And that I was the only one willing
To stand up and say no to this,
While everyone else is still plugged in
To the black-eyed children;
Evil masquerading as innocence.
And it's all too much all the time!
I feel like I'm losing my God damned mind!
Trying to recover my lost innocence.